


This Green Isn't from Envy

by InTheShadows



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Team Dynamics, Don't copy to another site, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Jealous Tony Stark, Loki & Tony Stark Friendship, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Minor Loki/Steve Rogers, Random & Short, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-18 20:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20318884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheShadows/pseuds/InTheShadows
Summary: Tony is happy for them, he really is. Loki is his friend - one of his best friends - and Steve is his teammate. Of course he is happy that they are together. They will be good for each other. A good solid match. He approves, really he does.It's just, well, why does it have to be Steve? Of all people, why did Loki have to pickSteve?(Tony isn't jealous. Heisn't. His issue is far more selfish then that.)





	This Green Isn't from Envy

It’s not that Tony isn’t happy for them - really he is. He knows exactly how long Loki has been pining after Steve. And Steve is his teammate, his friend. Of course he is happy that they are finally together. They’ll be good for each other. And this is what friends do - congratulate them when they are in a new relationship. Loki is his best friend on the team, of course he’s glad. 

It’s just, well, why did it have to be Steve?

When he says it like that it sounds as if he is jealous. As if he wishes that it were him instead of Steve Loki is with. That’s not it. As well as they get along and as much time as they spend together, they are just friends. Good friends, close friends, but just friends. Tony is perfectly fine with that. 

If he is honest with himself than the problem is Steve. Or, rather, Howard. Doesn’t it always come down to Howard in the end? And it’s not Steve per se, but Captain America he has a problem with, technically speaking. Oh he knows that the two are completely different. Even when Howard talked about Steve, he was really talking about Captain America. About the legend and not the man underneath. He found that out once he really got to know Steve. Learn that he isn’t an all American boy scout, but a stubborn, sassy shit. Things got better between them after that. 

But at the back of his mind Howard’s ghost still lingers. Telling him that he’ll never measure up. That Captain America could have done better. That Steve Rogers would be disappointed in him. That he is worthless and useless and why couldn’t he be more like Steve? Steve is a son he could have been proud of. Tony is just forever a waste of time. No matter how he tries to ignore it, tries to banish the voice it is still there. Still present. Still whispering poison in his ear. 

That is the voice he is hearing now. When the two made their announcement Tony was the first to congratulate them. The first to show his support and approval. He had pushed through the initial, blinding shock to make sure he was the first. He shoved any negative reaction to the back of his mind and made sure that it stayed there. They don’t deserve to bear the brunt of Tony’s ire just because he has issues. 

That is why he is up here, on the roof of the Tower, away from the others. He isn’t going to be fit for company right now. And the mere thought of watching those two right now - being cute and together - makes him vaguely ill. Again it makes the issue sound way different than it actually is, but it's the truth. Hopefully the honeymoon phase doesn’t involve too much PDA either. Or turn into one of those relationships where the significant other gets all the attention and everyone else is forgotten. That - could turn things into a worse problem very quickly. 

It’s unlikely to happen, given what they both are like. They aren’t going to abandon anyone and they might but cute, but not sickeningly so. He hopes. He desperately, _ desperately _ hopes. If nothing else the thought of Loki making cow eyes at Steve is enough to make him giggle. A bit hysterically maybe, but still giggle. As if he would ever do something so undignified - seriously. He can definitely see him doing it as a joke, but not literally. 

But he is going to be happy and Tony is glad. 

So what if Tony was the first person on the team to welcome Loki? To talk to him and give him a chance. To accept him for who he was, flaws and all. So what if the others warily kept him at arm’s reach for a while. It was only when Steve got involved that they did as well. Like Tony’s words - his actions - meant less than Steve’s. Like there was something wrong with Tony when he did it, but when Steve did it, oh boy oh boy. It’s peachy keen then. 

He sighs, burying his head in his hands. At this point, their relationship is just the straw that broke the camel’s back. With Loki he thought he finally had someone of his own. Someone who wasn’t blinded by the uniform and who preferred Tony instead. He was wrong though. Loki fell for Steve, just like everyone else. Not his fault and Tony certainly doesn’t blame him. It’s not as if he can’t understand why. But in the end it’s just something else Steve stole from him. 

It’s not fair - not the thought and not the action. When has anything in his life been fair though? If anything he should have been expecting it. Good things never seem to last long for him. 

“Here you are.” 

Speak of the devil. Tony bites back a sigh. And here it is again. Of all the people to find him it has to be Loki. The one person besides Steve he wants to see the least. “Here I am,” he says as he keeps his gaze on the city below. 

Loki settles next to him, their shoulders and legs brushing together. He doesn’t say anything. 

“Thought you’d be busy right now.” He’s proud of how that doesn’t sound bitter at all. Maybe a bit flat, but not bitter. 

“I was earlier,” Loki agrees, “but then my best friend decided to disappear without a trace when I wanted to talk to him. And then I find him in the last place I’d ever think to look.” 

Tony doesn’t reply. 

“What’s wrong?” Loki asks bluntly. 

“Nothing,” Tony shakes his head, “or nothing you need to worry about. Just my head being stupid right now. Thought I’d come up here to air it out.” 

“You hate the roof.” Loki is still far too blunt for Tony’s comfort. 

He shrugs. “Thought I’d be alone. It’s not as if I’m going to be good company right now. I’d hate to bring the mood down.” 

Loki hums. “I see. And just what is your head telling you?” 

Of course, _ of course _ he is going to ask. To be fair they have done this before - work out their issues with each other. For two people with trust issues it goes surprisingly well. It’s just that this time it isn’t going to work. “Don't worry about it Lo lo. Hate for you to catch the stupidity.” 

“Well if I haven’t already.” His tone is pointed, but there’s also an edge of teasing to it. Any other time that would have made him feel better. Less alone. But now it does the exact opposite, making him ache. What if he ends up losing this entirely? He doesn’t think he could bear it. So he remains silent. 

“Tony,” Loki sighs, “tell me.” 

“I did. It’s just me being stupid. Nothing for you to worry about, especially not now.” 

Loki leans further against him, already knowing exactly how much Tony loves and appreciates touch. “I am not one to abandon my friends simply because I am in a relationship. You know that correct?” 

“Of course,” Tony agrees right away. Because he does. Logically, in his head, he knows that. If only he could apply logic to everything else.

“Then why won’t you look at me?” 

And that - that is playing dirty right there. Loki sounds - weary. It’s not a dramatic question to trick him into answering. It’s a tiredness that comes straight from his soul. How is Tony supposed to resist that? He turns and looks. Loki is looking back at him solemnly. He doesn’t look happy now - such a contrast to earlier - and Tony hates himself a little bit more for it. This is exactly what he was trying to avoid - his stupid, selfish issues bringing Loki down. And now he has managed it anyways. Good job asshole. 

“Is it my relationship?” 

Tony shakes his head, looking away. 

Loki gives a bitter laugh. “Are you really trying to lie to the god of lies?”

“It’s not,” Tony insists. Not in the way he is likely thinking anyways. And Tony isn’t going to explain what it _ is _ like, so this is a waste of both of their time and emotional energy. 

“And here I thought you had no reason to take exception to my relationship with Steve. Apparently I was wrong.” All of the laughter is gone, but the bitterness remains. 

The hatred grows. Apparently he’s even more of a screw up then he realized. “It’s _ not _,” he repeats, “Damn it Loki I’m thrilled for you. I know what this means to you. I know how hopeless it looked for a while. You’re in the relationship you wanted and that’s great. Really.” But he still can’t look at him. 

“Tony,” Loki hesitates, “you are not in love with me, are you?” 

Tony can’t help but laugh at that. Exactly. Because that would be the logical thing wouldn’t it? Damn Howard to hell if he isn’t already there. “No I’m not. Love you to death and all that sugarplum, but I’m not in love with you.” 

“With Steve?” 

Tony can’t keep the disgust off of his face. Ew. Just the mere thought of it makes him slightly nauseous. That - yeah, no. He can’t even imagine. “And definitely no worries about that.” 

There is a long pause. “But he is the problem, isn’t he?” 

Great. Awesome. There are times he loves how perceptive Loki is, it can be pretty useful. This is not one of those times. Seriously just screw his life right now. “Don’t worry about it,” he says because there’s no point in lying. 

“It is then. What is the matter? Is there something about him that I should know?” 

“No,” he shakes his head. He would have already said something is there were, but Steve is a good man. “Seriously Lokes I wasn’t joking abouy me being stupid over this. It’s my issue to work out, not yours. You should be down there with your man right now, not up here with me.” 

“Leave you when you are so visibly upset?” Loki snorts, “I think not.” 

Why do both of them have to be such stubborn bastards? Tony can already see this ending badly. “I’ll work it out on my own.” 

Loki snorts again. “Like you do with everything else? Give me some credit, I do know you better than that. You will let this fester instead, inside of you, eating you whole, until it explodes, taking others around you with it. Talk.” 

Tony shakes his head. 

“Stark,” Loki growls, “Tell me.” 

“This has already upset you enough. It won’t affect the other’s, it’s fine.” He’s been dealing with this for a long time now. It’s not as if this is a new issue for him to wrestle with. This particular demon has been with him for years now. He’s _ fine _. 

“I’m upset because my best friend is being an idiot.” Loki leans further into him, making him impossible to ignore. “If you did not let my adoption go then I am not letting this go.” 

“That is completely different,” Tony protests, “You had a legitimate reason to be upset over that. I don’t. I just need a little time to get over my selfishness under control and everything will be fine.” 

“Selfishness?” 

Oh hell. He gives a bright, sharp smile to cut the air in front of him. “Haven’t you heard?” he asks cheerfully, “I am one of the most selfish people on Earth. Maybe in all of the nine realms, now that people know they exist. I should really add it to my list of traits. Tony Stark - genius, playboy, billionaire, phanthrophist, all around selfish, arrogant bastard. Has quite the ring to it doesn’t it?” 

But it is clear Loki isn’t listening. He knows this is another issue speaking only too well. “Why are you jealous of Steve then?” he guesses. 

It has to be a guess. There is no way he could have figured it out already. Well there is obviously, but that doesn’t mean Tony is going to confirm it for him. “I’m not.” 

“Yes you are. Why?” 

“I’m _ not _.” Tesla when is this nightmare going to end? 

“I do believe the genius protest too much.” 

“Don’t Shakespeare me Maleficent.” 

“Then tell me.” 

“_ No _.” 

“_ Stark _.” 

“No. I told you it’s stupid and I’m fine. No need to get your panties all in a twist over it.” 

“Then stop resisting me so much and simply explain what is wrong. Is it because you think he is going to take me from you?” 

“It’s because he has taken everything from me!” Tony explodes, not able to take it anymore. He stands up, staring down at Loki, “It’s because everything that should have been mine Steve Rogers has taken from me. Why is this going to be any different?” 

“Tony-” 

“You think growing up with Thor was bad? That you were always in his shadow? At least he was alive! At least he was real and a physical presence for Odin to compare you to. You had a chance to know Thor, to see him, to be able to actually compete with him, even if it was seemingly futile most of the time. What did I have?” he begins to pace, “I had a legend. A ghost. A dead man always hovering over me. ‘Why can’t you be more like Steve?’ “ he mimics, “ ‘Steve wouldn’t have failed. Steve never failed.’ ‘Steve would be disappointed in you.’ ‘Steve Rogers wasn’t a sissy boy, suck it up brat.’ And how could I prove him wrong? Steve Rogers - the pinnacle of human perfection in Howard’s eyes - was dead. Gone. Died saving the world.

“That’s all I ever heard. Howard never said he loved me, was proud of me, nothing. I was a nuisance to him. And that was when he was around at all. He’d go on expeditions, gone for months at a time, looking for his precious super soldier. Searching desperately for the person who meant more to him than his family ever would. And who did he take out his frustrations on when he failed?” 

Now that Tony has started he can’t stop. “Alright, fine, so we both know Howard was an ass. But then - oh then - it turns out Steve Rogers, the great Captain America, is alive after all. And what happened? The exact same thing. Everyone fawns over him as if he is some kind of god incarnate. And what happens when we meet? I am a disappointment, just like Howard always said. And what happens when we form a team? It is always Steve and never Tony. Not on the field, not in the Tower, no where. I might as well be the ghost instead. 

“I feel like Cassandra whenever I talk. No one ever hears me. Or when they do they misunderstand everything I say. Nothing I do is ever right. But oh, it’s alright, I’m just the egotistical genius after all. I don’t play well with others. I’m so arrogant that I pout and whine instantly whenever I don’t get my way. I’m childish and selfish and a pain to deal with. As long as I keep providing new toys and funding and housing its fine. Just stroke my ego a little bit and I’ll flop on my belly for you to stab.

“And then - miracle of miracles - I find someone who shares my opinion. Someone who genuinely likes me for me and not just what I can do for them. Someone who doesn’t prioritize Steve Rogers over me. Finally I have someone on the team to call my own. Finally I don’t feel like an outcast. And then what happens? Steve steals him from me too!” Tony can feel tears of rage gathering in his eyes, “Steve takes _ everything _ from me. He can’t even leave my best friend alone, he has to steal him too. All he ever does is take and take from me without giving anything back in return!” 

Tony stops pacing and turns away. A sob catches in his throat and he digs his nails into his palms to stop it from coming up. Every part of him is shaking, raw and ready to fall apart in a single moment. “But none of that matters,” he continues, “because it’s just me being selfish. Because I never matter when Steve is involved. I’ll always be second place, just like I’ve always been.” He bows his head, trying desperately to get himself under control. “So I’m happy for you and I support you, I’m just too self centered not to make this about me.” 

“Tony,” Loki says softly. 

Tony can’t help but flinch as if he’s been struck. “I told you it was stupid,” he croaks, voice hoarse with emotion. 

“It does not sound stupid, it sounds like-” 

“A toddler throwing a tantrum because he has to share his toys?” Tony interrupts. 

Loki growls, “Stop that,” he chides, “No. Maybe on the surface there are some similarities, but this goes far deeper than that. This has been eating at you for a long time has it not? Years.” 

What is the point of trying to deny it? Tony nods, suddenly exhausted. 

“May I touch you?” There is the sound of him standing. 

Tony nods. He needs - he needs something to keep him together right now or he is going to fall apart. Selfish. Why does he always have to be so selfish? No wonder no one ever chooses him over Steve. He’s such a brat. 

Loki comes around to face Tony and wraps long, strong arms around him. 

Tony can’t help but melt into it, hiding his face in Loki’s shoulder. The tears spill from his eyes and he desperately hopes they go unnoticed. How pathetic. He digs his hands into Loki’s sweater and holds on as tightly as he can. The shaking gets worse. It really does feel as if he is going to fall to pieces. Shatter into so many that no one can put them back together again. Maybe that would be for the best. Look at what a mess he is making now. And he has been making them his entire life. 

“Shh,” Loki soothes, “I will not abandon you Tony. No matter what turn my relationship takes I will not leave you. How could I ever forget the first person to give me a chance? No one else has ever accepted me - understood me - as you do. How could I forget? We are magic bros after all.” 

Tony chokes on a laugh. It sounds wet to his own ears. He must be even more of a mess than he thought - Loki hates that title. 

“I cannot help with Howard, but I will continue to support you whenever I can. The team are fools, but that does not mean you should suffer for it. They need training is all.” 

At that Tony gives another wet laugh. Oh the mental image. That is - that is something. He can see Loki now, water bottle in hand, squirting them like misbehaving cats. 

Loki rubs his back. “I hear you Tony. I hear you.” 

Tony continues to cling. Just as long as someone does, as long as Loki does. He might actually fall apart otherwise. 


End file.
